Day 113

Something learned:

There's no such thing as a free lunch. My dad was always skeptical of offers that sounded too good to be true. I used to think that he was just being ornery.

When I was a teenager and approached by a "free modelling school", I jumped at the chance. In hindsight, they were just trying to sell me expensive professional makeup. I bought $600 of makeup, learned how to apply it, and had an hour's worth of tips on how to pose. I wasn't selected to be represented, but I doubt if anyone actually did. On the up side, I still use the makeup methods that they taught me, because they really do sculpt my face into something model-like. It served me well through 30-40 ballroom competitions and a number of glamorous parties. So I don't feel like I was cheated overall, even though my father probably did.

Well, these days, I make sure to look for the catch. Sometimes I still take the bait, but it's always with the knowledge that I'm aware of, and ok with buying, whatever they're selling me.

Something I'd like to get better at:

Resilience.

I feel like crap whenever I make a mistake or fail to live up to expectations. I get uncertain of myself and pull back from doing things. My imposter syndrome starts screaming at me. I start doubting all the self esteem I have felt, and anything positive that I've said.

Maybe I just need to convince myself that it's ok to not be perfect.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Husband promising me that if he snores, all I have to do is wake him up.

2. Getting to attend an informative talk by Betsy Brown Braun and getting a free copy of her new book

3. Finding some great kid-friendly pitchers so she can pour herself drinks!

4. Husband doing the dishes

5. Going to bed early.

Looking forward to:

I want to make fondue. I own a fondue pot that I've not used in years.

Day 55

Something learned:

In order to do something, the hardest part is just DOING. Too often, we can just sit and THINK about doing, and the potential of the project is intact, and glorious. When we start doing, we run up against limitations of skills and resources and we have to start accepting the reality of a result that is less than our visualized ideal. That reality check is unpleasant, and we naturally avoid it.

I squirm terribly whenever my husband sees my work, because I don't want the imperfections to be laid bare in his judgement. But unless I get over that, I can't create anything.

My child fights back vigorously when pushed to do something she's not confident of completing perfectly. For her own sake, I have to keep pushing her past those boundaries. The same goes for me. I write this blog and perhaps at the end of the year, I will feel like a writer again.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Vanguard's website just keeps getting better. Procedures that used to take lots of printouts and form filling can now be done in a couple of minutes online.
2. Sunny warm weather in January
3. Kid's lunch at Rosti was free
4. Found Five Fingers that fit the kid at REI
5. Spending the evening with the in-laws

Looking forward to:

The parents-in-laws agreed to watch the kid overnight for Valentine's Day. Yay!

Day 42

I took a week+ off to recharge and to tackle spring cleaning at home. Will post before and after pictures -- am rather proud of myself :)

Something learned:

I'm struggling with teaching my perfectionist daughter this -- not to let fear of failure prevent you from tackling something. I've spent a lot of time myself staring at projects, paralyzed and unable to begin because I can't see the complete correct path. But I've learned the truth of "perfection is the enemy of progress" 

Strangely enough, when untangling giant knots, or solving a Rubik's cube, I'm quite content to pick away at it for ever until it's done, but perhaps because I know I'm always moving over the landscape towards the global maximum. There's no fear of failure in those endeavors.

I think I procrastinate on starting many other projects though, until I have mentally rehearsed the progression enough to be fairly certain of success. I've lined up a quilt, rag doll, scrapbooks, video compilations, just to name a few of these un-started projects (despite materials being already accumulated).

Time to start making progress!

Today I was thankful for:

1. Being in that tiny sliver of the country that is not experiencing freezing temperatures.
2. Lots of people accepting my purged-but-still-loved items so that I didn't have to bring them to Goodwill.
3. Google lunches. I never thought I'd miss salad.
4. Managing to get to inbox zero for both work and personal mailboxes.
5. Husband making dinner so I could finish working on a puzzle competition

A hope:

Would like to visit another new state or two in 2014. I'm making progress to getting to all 50!

Day 27

Something learned:

A while back, I learned to answer the perennial job interview question "What is your greatest weakness" with "I have a terrible memory, but I've learned to manage by being super organized and writing down EVERYTHING."

By being upfront about my weakness, I've protected myself from future criticism. However, I've also managed to spin it into a selling point about myself, because I'm showing self-awareness and proactive improvement.

In that sense, as long as I am able to not take it personally, criticism can be extremely useful. It can a form of quality control, showing me the chinks in my armor BEFORE I go into battle. It doesn't even have to be constructive (your singing is bad), just not a personal attack (you're a loser).

Nobody is expected to be perfect, but I think it's pretty important that we keep working towards getting better.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Successfully iguring out  the TWO separate issues that was preventing my code from working.

2. Friends sitting down at my table at lunch so I had company

3. Sprinkles cupcakes and ice cream at work

4. Kid being told that she was ready for her first TKD stripe test next week
5. Breaking even on my mega millions lottery ticket

A dream:

To be flexible enough to do a semblance of a split. Not like I was even able to do it at age 6. 

Day 16

Today I was grateful for:

1. Our team offsite -- my go-karting may have been slow, but I made out at the claw machine.
2. The kid had her THIRD injury on the monkey bars, but it doesn't seem serious
3. I convinced the kid to write a letter to Santa, and all she wanted was Lego and a Christmas tree (she actually had trouble thinking of anything she wanted)
4. Messages from my sibling -- I love hearing from family
5. Canker cover -- awesome ulcer medicine.

Something learned:

I was a perfectionist when I was young. I saw things in black and white, and if I couldn't do something right, I didn't want to do that at all.

Learning to let go has been a lifelong process for me. Being able to accept when things are good enough. Even taking engineering in college was initially a struggle, coming from a math background, dealing with approximation of any sort.

I tend to live by the motto, if I want it done well, I'll just do it myself. If I'm going to let someone else do something, I must stay out of it completely, or risk going crazy when they don't do it my way. Recently, I was stressed, with working full time and running our household and trying to find time for myself on top of everything. My husband suggested that I should "lower my standards." When I related that to a friend, her response was "even if we did that, our standards would never be as low as our husbands'."

That might be true, but even so, I think my husband was right. If the cost of perfect is my quality of life, then I need to let go sometimes. Now if only I can figure out how to teach the kiddo the same lesson.

A hope:

My childhood home is getting sold. It would be nice if I get to see it one last time. Or at least get some cool pictures of it.

We can't all be #1