Day 147

Something learned:

I have nothing to prove. When I am enough for me, it no longer matters whether I think that others think less of me.

For example, I used to get mad when I see cars behind me switch lanes to pass me, then switch back on front of me. It's as though they're saying that they're more important than me, or that my car is inferior to theirs (in LA people identify strongly with their cars)

My reaction was more a reflection on my own insecurities. These days I care much less when it happens, and it surprised me at first.  But I've think I've stopped putting myself in competition with random strangers on the streets. I don't need to do so to feel better about myself. I'm good enough for me.

Something I'd like to get better at:

Getting friends together more often. I miss hosting social events. But I let all sorts of obstacles stop me these days. I want a house filled with loved ones...

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting to talk to some really nice folks at the kid's library
2. A dim sum lunch with the in-laws
3. Buying a couple of nice grownup dresses at 50% off
4. The kid picking out and successfully using a hairbrush by herself
5. Finding what appears to be a decent pair of kids sunglasses at REI

Looking forward to:

Staying at the Disneyland Hotel for the first time!

Day 126

Something learned:

Truly accepting and loving yourself is the best defense against the world.

Watching Wil Wheaton's speech about understanding how hurtful words are a reflection of the other person and not yourself ( http://youtu.be/yMrIrYzdybw?t=1m30s ) just brings it home to me, that if your love for yourself doesn't come from inside you, then you're seeking it from outside, which leaves you vulnerable to mean words like that.

Something I want to get better at:

I want to understand art. I haven't figured out a good definition of art yet.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting in some Zumba time in the morning

2. Making a new mom friend at the kid's TKD class

3. Husband getting home safely

4. Husband cooking dinner

5. Finally watching the HIMYM finale, even though it was disappointing.

Looking forward to:

Hawaii this summer. Oh I can't wait. 

Day 125

Something learned:

There are people I often wish I was more like, but the truth is, I only wish that I had particular aspects of them. These people I admire usually excel in a particular trait, but they are by no means perfect people. Nobody has it all. I think it's really hard to remember that sometimes. But when I do, I recall my own strengths, and feel a lot better about who I am, even though I can't sing like Idina Menzel, or am not a domestic goddess like Gweneth Paltrow, and have not created a billion (or even million) dollar business.

I still am happy with myself.

Something I would like to get better at:

Not lose sight of the big picture when dwelling on the details. I sometimes spend way too much time to save a few bucks, when my time is worth a lot more. I'm not in the habit of doing the cost benefit analysis on my time expenditure, but I really should, given how busy I am!

Today I was thankful for:

1. Scott gave me a delicious mango from his haul
2. Free massage for my work anniversary
3. My new Kindle arrived, and I'm loving using it
4. Got all the dishes done in the kitchen
5. Had the house to myself after the kid went to bed. It was so silent I could hear the clocks tick!

Looking forward to:

I think we're gonna go camping this summer in Yosemite!

Day 123

Something learned:

I don't wear makeup on a regular basis, because this is who I am. I saw firsthand growing up how my mother hated anyone seeing her without her makeup on. If you consider the made up face as your baseline, the "perfect" version as who you should be, I guess it's natural that your true face becomes something to be concealed and unmentionable.

I am aging, I'm not perfect, but I'm good with who I am and what I'm becoming. I can only hope I can help my own daughter find her own confidence in her self image.

Something I want to get better at:

Talking to strangers. I am too shy to ask permission to photograph people in costume. I don't give compliments to strangers who deserve them. I am especially scared when I know there's likely to be a language or accent barrier.

I get over it enough to function normally, but I know there's a whole other level I can take my communication to to stop missing out on connecting with those around me.

Today I was thankful for:

1. A chance to chat with Myles when we ran into each other.
2. A fun morning auditioning for The Chase gameshow, even if I wasn't called back.
3. Afternoon of solitude when husband took kid to run his errands. I got a lot of cleaning done.
4. A fantastic "fireside chat" and performance by Adam Pascal
5. Kiddo behaving reasonably well during said show, and giving giant goofy grins when she recognized his songs.

Looking forward to:

Fun family plans on Sunday.

Day 71

Something learned:

An online friend was asking for relationship advice, because she felt like she was more invested than the other person in a relationship, and thus feeling like she's not as important to the other as they are to her.

It is a little frightening how close to home that description hits -- it could have been me saying that same thing in 2000. And in hindsight, the solution seems so simple -- to not make another person the source of your happiness. Happiness needs to come from within you. A good relationship enhances the strong foundation that comes from inside yourself, the relationship is not the foundation. Friends at the time only said "love yourself" and while they were not wrong, I wish they could have explained it a little better.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Kid being proud of herself for using her allowance to make a purchase on her own for the first time
2. My manager saying it'll be OK for me to attend a conference in SC
3. Srirarcha being back in stock in the cafeteria
4. Brownie dessert at work
5. Chocolate ice cream at home

Looking forward to:

I found a bunch of instructional tap videos online. Gonna try and learn :D

Day 15

Today I was grateful for:

1. It's December, and I can now sing carols!

2. A fun morning at the Magic Castle Family Brunch -- Balloonacy and Arthur Trace are awesome

3. A clean house

4. Chocolate Lava Cake at C&O
5. The 4-day weekend

Something learned:

Some years back, I came to the conclusion that for me, being happy was within my conscious control. Granted, it's not quite as simple as thinking "I want to be happy!" and having it be true.

How unhappy I felt really depended on a complex equation that takes into account many different aspects of my life: dissatisfactions, disappointments, etc. Slowly, I learned to rewrite that equation; to start seeing the positives in my life instead of the negatives and to not take personally the things that I couldn't control. When it comes down to it, whatever results in happiness, happens purely in my head, which is why I consider it a conscious choice.

This article is one of many that support my opinion on this: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/ten-things-stop-caring-about-you-want-happier.html

Harking back to a familiar theme, what made this possible was my self-esteem recovering enough for me to start making decisions in my own self interest. Making better choices. Choosing to be happy.

A hope: 

I hope that I figure out how to improve my people skills as I get older. Sometimes, I still feel like there's a cultural barrier that prevents people from correctly understanding my intentions.

Day 13

Today I was grateful for:

1. A fun day at Chill -- ice sculptures and ice tubing!
2. Making a chocolate "gingerbread" house with the kid, and we had to melt our own chocolate :P
3. The brilliant idea of home made "magic shell" with the leftover melted chocolate. Over chocolate ice cream, naturally
4. Husband waking up from his nap and cleaning up our mess (after I whined about how hard it was to melt chocolate)
5. Seeing the kid's jaw drop when her parents suddenly broke out chanting in unison "Pajammy to the left, Pajammy to the right, Jamma, jamma, jamma, P! J!" (after I announced that it was Pajama Time)

Something learned:

One of the most life-altering questions I was ever asked was "What do you think?"

Prior to that, most of the questions I had encountered were of the kind that had a right or wrong answer, and getting the correct answer would always result in rewards of some kind -- a good grade, praise, etc. When someone cared enough to ask for my opinion, and listen seriously to my answer, the unfamiliarity of exercising my own opinion was shocking to me. It's almost shameful now, looking back, to realize how many years I'd lived before trying to figure out what I really thought. Maybe it was an artifact of my science/technology focused education, or even the school system that I was in.

At any rate, I learned that my opinion matters, and that it is okay, important even, for me to have one, even if it differs from everyone else's, because it makes me who I am.

A dream:

To take a sabbatical and spend a few months in Italy. Just because.

Walking in a winter wonderland

Day 5

Today I was grateful for:

1. My feet not hurting after walking as much as I did yesterday

2. Hubby announcing that the kid's transparent backpack was working -- when he picked her up after school, she looked at her bag and ran back to the playground for her forgotten jacket.
3. Sweet hubby plugging in my car to charge for me this morning.
4. The rain that fell today instead of yesterday while I was outdoors.
5. My singing teacher saying "you nailed it" after singing the song I learned last week

Something learned and a hope:

Reading about the prevalence of plastic surgery in South Korea, it occurred to me that perhaps the only thing worse than having impossible ideals of beauty in toys and media, is having the people around you turn into them. As I read about a friend's young daughter struggle with being called fat (even though she isn't) it worried me about how my own daughter might deal with beauty-obsessed society.

I've tried to impress on her that being a good person is far more important than looks. I bring up examples from things she knows like Beast vs Gaston, and ask her which she would pick. I ask her if she would love me less if I looked different. But also, that her own opinion of herself is more important than others' opinion of her. I ask her for her opinion on things constantly, to reinforce that.

I can only hope I've given her the tools she needs to protect herself before society tries to tear her down.

Day 4

Today I was grateful for:
1. An employer who will reward us with Disneyland tickets.
2. A husband who willingly watches the kid so I can go alone to Disneyland
3. Learning about Single Rider Lines at Disneyland
4. Getting to meet "Thor" (why should the kids have all the fun?)
5. Being able to take the Holiday Time Tour at Disneyland, what an amazing experience!

Something learned:
When I was younger I used to hate going to the movies alone, because it made me feel lonely and unloved. Yesterday, being alone by myself for a day was perfectly enjoyable. The difference is that I've finally learned to love myself. I've decoupled my happiness from an external source, and am able to savor the intrinsic joy of experiences for what they are, not what they represent.

A hope:
That when I grow old, that I'll be as happy and having as much fun as the 3 elderly ladies I met on the tour who were having a ball together.