Day 109

I think it's time to add something into the mix. In addition to what I've learned, I think it's time for me to reflect upon what I'd like to get better at.

Something learned:

Unfortunately, I had the need to apologize to someone over email in the last day. I felt terrible about my mistake, but even worse, I fear that I botched up my apology and lost my chance to put things right.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt ill equipped to adequately express all my important thoughts coherently, especially since I was upset about my mistake and not thinking well. Since communication isn't my strong suit, I sat down and wrote an outline to use for future apologies (being human and all that).

Do you think that's too unemotional of me?

Something I'd like to get better at:

Parenting. The first few years were fairly straightforward. Keep the baby fed and clean and safe. Now the real hard stuff is happening and I feel like I'm having to figure it out as I go along and mistakes and failure are frustrating and demoralizing. I feel like I have zero role models as I'm not regularly around people who have kids older than mine. I myself was mostly unparented -- just babysat by a housekeeper. Where can I go to get an internship?

Today I was thankful for:

1. Being able to attend a talk by Daniel Suarez and get a free copy of his new book.

2. Napping on the kid's floor and she covered me with a blanket

3. Tasty unagi-don for dinner

4. Getting perfect scores on my 2 Coursera quizzes (granted they were about logic and probability .. but still)

5. Seeing a photograph I took get featured on the Ren Fair Facebook page.

Looking forward to:

Date night tomorrow at my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles!

Day 108

Something learned:

For me, keeping things neat and tidy is a learned skill. I'm pretty sure that judging from my childhood bedroom alone, my parents think that I'm just a messy person by nature. In the years that have passed since leaving home, however, I have learned a lot of things about being tidy that were never taught to me. Now knowing them, it's not difficult to make things tidy, if I can find the time. My over-busy-ness is a different story altogether.

I realized this too, when I asked the kid to clean up her room. In the beginning, she would just stare helplessly at the mess, and not know what to do. I demonstrated and showed her how to approach it. Find something on the floor (e.g. a book), put it away where it belongs. If need be, find a home for that item (make space on a shelf). Find another item like it on the floor, and put that away too. Continue until there are no more of that item. Find another item, find a home for it, put that away. Over the months, we've come to find homes for everything she owns. And now, when I send her into her room by herself to clean it up, she actually manages to do a remarkably good job, sometimes even making her bed!

I know it sounds so simple, but "A place for everything and everything in its place" really should be taken literally, and if it was taught to me properly early on, I might have fared a lot better in the "keeping my room clean" department.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Got the chance to do a quick Zumba session on the Xbox 360
2. Had enough coupons to get $10 off my $25 purchase at CVS
3. Made a parenting mistake that affected another kid and sounds like the other mom accepted my apology. Hopefully she won't hold a grudge.
4. My Whole Foods coupon finally working
5. Husband fixing the loose kitchen cabinet door that was driving me mad.

Looking forward to:

Kid going for her second TKD belt test next week!

Day 107

Something learned:

I was confused when I first encountered the sentiment that "nobody likes a tattle tale". I had never heard such a thing growing up in Singapore. It took a long time before I figured out the subtleties of what tattling on someone meant.

It's all in the intention. Tattling is when you tell on someone to get them in trouble. It's not tattling when you tell on them to keep someone safe.

If two kids were disagreeing about something, and one of them whines to an adult, the grownups prefer to let them figure it out on their own. If one kid was bullying another, however, teachers or parents need to intervene. Sadly though, the difference seems to be lost on kids and they often end up staying silent about things they witnessed.

Bullying can have a devastating effect on a child. I certainly hope my kid will understand the difference when the situation arises.

Today I was thankful for:

1. An interesting parents discussion group session about manners and etiquette at the kid's school
2. My singing teacher telling me that I was doing a good job with the German song I've been learning
3. The Math Day shirt I made for kid to wear going over well
4. Kid going through the evening routine without fuss or complaint
5. Husband taking care of dishes

Looking forward to:

Making my favorite black pepper crab this weekend.

Day 106

Something learned:

Always get a second opinion.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend a talk by an author at work. The author was Daniel J. Siegel, who had written Brainstorm, which was a book about adolescent brain development. Early in the talk, he makes the claim that teenagers need to replace parental attachments with peer attachments for ideal outcomes. This happens to directly contradict the conclusion I reached after reading Hold On To Your Kids by Gabor Mate. The latter book states that a child needs to maintain a stronger attachment to their parent than their peers until they reach adulthood.

At the end of the talk, when he started taking questions, I eventually stood up and mentioned this contradiction to him. I was beyond thrilled when he revealed that he had recently had a long conversation with Gabor himself, and that they disagreed on certain points and agreed on others.

When I first became a parent, I read a number of well-reviewed parenting books. I went along building up a model of ideal parenting until I came across 2 techniques that directly contradicted each other at which point I realized that there was no single ideal model and that I needed to figure it out for myself.

Having the opportunity now to directly challenge the source of this information was very exciting, especially since while I thought that Hold On To Your Kids was a really convincing book, Daniel Siegel seemed to present a very compelling argument otherwise. Eventually, he asked me to read his book and email him what I thought of the matter after that.

I think we're conditioned to trust experts, so it's even more vital for us to understand that sometimes experts disagree. I consider it a great responsibility to educate myself and to reasonably challenge what I'm told, whether it's from my kid's pediatrician or doctor, or an accountant or financial advisor. (Sadly, it's really hard to get good help these days -- but I'm too busy to become qualified as everything I need help for...)

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting to order free stuff from work
2. Getting a bunch of awesome free stationery at work at the grab bag shelf
3. Finding a plain shirt that fits the kid at Goodwill for $1.50
4. Finding that I still had T-shirt transfer paper leftover from 2011 in my stash
5. Putting together an awesome shirt for kid to wear to Math Day tomorrow

Looking forward to:

Someday I want to go to Germany and see Miniatur Wunderland.

Day 105

Something learned:

Use it or lose it. I've always believed this to be especially applicable to the brain. Knowing that mental decline is a fact of life, I try to challenge my brain while I still can with puzzles, learning new things, writing, reading, etc. I don't know how well it works, but as long as I continue to be around people who are smarter than I am, I can't get complacent. Or perhaps that's the real lesson, to surround yourself by the people who you want to be like.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting to attend a book talk by Daniel Siegel and getting to directly discuss something with him that contradicts another book I read
2. Free book from that talk
3. Finding appropriate bait for the kid's leprechaun trap homework
4. Dinner out with the family before the husband headed off to a Titanfall launch event
5. Finding something appropriate for the kid to donate to the spring fair

Looking forward to:

I hope to someday get to be a guest at Club 33 in Disneyland.

Day 104

Something learned:

Don't be afraid to ask what something is.

When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher put up a sign on the wall that said "It's better to remain silent and let people think you're a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt." Well, as the years passed, I took that advice to heart and chose the path of silent ignorance. I still struggle with this today. I'll find myself in a meeting where an in-progress project would come up in the discussion, and I'd feel like the only room who didn't know what it was. I'd keep quiet and try to figure it out from context, not always successfully. In recent months however, I've started seeing more senior teammates who are willing to interrupt and ask "what is XYZ? I'm not familiar with that." and other people willingly bring them up to speed.

There's much to be learned by admitting when you don't know something.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting to spend some talking with other parents at a party
2. Passing by a Crate & Barrel and getting to buy the containers I've been wanting
3. Seeing tons of cool critters in the tidepools
4. Figuring out to distract the kiddo from her exhaustion while hiking uphill by teaching her about cannonballs and heatstroke
5. Awesome hot pot dinner at Little Lamb

Looking forward to:

When I have a garden, I want to grow fruit and vegetables. Maybe have a little arbor or pergola for relaxing.

Day 103

Something learned:

Don't wait for life to be perfect before starting to enjoy life.

Life is not perfect, and will never be. People make mistakes, accidents happen, people get sick, things break. This stuff is part of life, and if you consider them exceptional circumstances and hold your breath for the time when whatever bad stuff in your life is done, so that you can really start living, you're never going to be happy.

This kind of thinking was much harder for me to accept when I was younger and I saw the world in black and white. I considered my world blemished and blackened, and thought that everyone else around me must be living perfect lives. Eventually, I learned to find the joy in daily life, and release frustration and anger from the crappy stuff. Along the way, I've come to suspect that other people's lives probably aren't as perfect as they seem either. But I do wish them all every happiness.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Finding cute, affordable summer dresses for myself and the kid.
2. An offer of reciprocal babysitting from a mommy-friend. I'm surprised by how excited I am by this.
3. Suddenly recalling the name of a french song I was trying to remember from my college days that has been bothering me for months. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXKkxZ7U-lo
4. Husband taking the kid to get boba so I could get an hour of peace.
5. Trying the new chinese place nearby and finding it not altogether terrible.

Looking forward to:

I want to go diamond hunting in Arkansas. I went garnet hunting in Mexico, but chollas attacked us. Arkansas should be a tad easier to get to :)