Day 13

Today I was grateful for:

1. A fun day at Chill -- ice sculptures and ice tubing!
2. Making a chocolate "gingerbread" house with the kid, and we had to melt our own chocolate :P
3. The brilliant idea of home made "magic shell" with the leftover melted chocolate. Over chocolate ice cream, naturally
4. Husband waking up from his nap and cleaning up our mess (after I whined about how hard it was to melt chocolate)
5. Seeing the kid's jaw drop when her parents suddenly broke out chanting in unison "Pajammy to the left, Pajammy to the right, Jamma, jamma, jamma, P! J!" (after I announced that it was Pajama Time)

Something learned:

One of the most life-altering questions I was ever asked was "What do you think?"

Prior to that, most of the questions I had encountered were of the kind that had a right or wrong answer, and getting the correct answer would always result in rewards of some kind -- a good grade, praise, etc. When someone cared enough to ask for my opinion, and listen seriously to my answer, the unfamiliarity of exercising my own opinion was shocking to me. It's almost shameful now, looking back, to realize how many years I'd lived before trying to figure out what I really thought. Maybe it was an artifact of my science/technology focused education, or even the school system that I was in.

At any rate, I learned that my opinion matters, and that it is okay, important even, for me to have one, even if it differs from everyone else's, because it makes me who I am.

A dream:

To take a sabbatical and spend a few months in Italy. Just because.

Walking in a winter wonderland

Day 12

Today I was grateful for:

1. Sleeping in
2. Thanksgiving dinner with family
3. Not needing to have any part of the Black Friday ugliness tomorrow
4. Nobody laughing at my burned attempt at sweet potatoes
5. Remembering to take some family photos this year

Something learned:

I used to think that it was important to sacrifice oneself for the other person of love was true. Ultimately, I learned that it was both unhealthy and unfair. Unhealthy because I was constantly in a state of disappointment, with the other person not even understanding the expectations that he was not meeting. Unfair because it is a huge responsibility to put upon someone else.

When I assumed responsibility for my own happiness, I became a happy person, one that attracted other happy, healthy souls. I think this is the heart of the idea that you need to love yourself before you can be in love. Sacrifice leads to resentment but giving for the sake of love is beautiful.

It reminds me of what they teach in First Responder classes. Ultimately, I needed to take care of myself first, then I can safely take care of others.

A hope:

Someday, I would like to get much more genealogical information about my family background. I don't quite know where to begin with all the migration and different languages in the history.

Be thankful for all the things

My daily gratitude highlights the small things that occur every so often. Today, on Thanksgiving, I would like to give thanks for the big ones, the things that truly make me feel fortunate to be alive

1. My family

2. My friends

3. My health, both physical and mental

4. My career

5. My safety

6. Opportunities for learning

7. Opportunities to fulfill dreams

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May your blessings be abundant!

Day 11

Today I was grateful for:

1. Yummy brunch at work, including Spam Musubi!

2. 4 day weekend coming up! I'm tired
3. Getting a bunch of Angel Tree shopping done, with coupons.
4. Dinner out with the family. Also, there was lava cake and ice cream.
5. That my child saw fit to mention to me what some kids did to her and another girl at day camp today, even though I really should have learned about it from the staff. They bullied her and while she handled it in a very reasonable manner, she shouldn't have had to.

Something learned:

I never understood why tattle tales were disliked, until I learned that tattling is just meant to get someone in trouble, whereas telling is done to keep someone safe.

In a similar vein, surprises are meant to provide pleasure when revealed, but secrets are only used to hide things. No secrets from mom and dad is a hard and fast rule for us.

Subtle but important differences. Hope I taught the kid well enough how to judge.

A hope:

That everyone, and especially those celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow, experience for themselves the restorative power of gratitude on the spirit.

Day 10

Today I was grateful for:

1. Being able to see the irony in the fact that while my own teachers struggled with every report card to find a new and creative way to express that I was too quiet (self-possessed, needs to participate more, good listener etc) my kid apparently suffers from the completely opposite problem of constantly talking in class. Sigh.
2. The opportunity to the do the Angel Tree project at work again this year. I like buying gifts for specific people, and my kid enjoys helping pick things out for less fortunate kids.
3. The kid learning how to cook dinner, and being able to do almost everything, except carrying the heavy pot.
4. Toilet paper being cheap enough, that the kid dropping the entire roll in the (unflushed!) potty while trying to change it by herself didn't drive me TOO insane.
5. The kid reading to ME at bedtime after I told her she'd worn me out today.

Something learned:

A parenting class I took a while ago had the fundamental message that a child's primary emotional goal is to achieve belonging and significance. I think that learning this has empowered me so much in how I relate to the kid. It helps cut down on a lot of frustration as she is consulted and kept in the loop about family decisions (though she sometimes has trouble compromising gracefully)

She has developed a good sense of our family's values and how they affect our decisions, e.g. why Mommy or Daddy work more than other parents might, why we don't spend frivolously, how we make our food choices, etc. Perhaps it's just a big plot on our part to instill our own values in the kid, in the guise of decision making exercises. *conspiratorial wink*

I came across a Facebook discussion today where some people were convinced that any child-led philosophy is a recipe for disaster -- e.g. pre-pubescent alcohol and illegal drugs, and that children need coercion to do what's good for them. I think those adults give kids far too little credit. Do they not believe that they are able to pass on their values, or to give their children the tools to make good choices? Or that young humans simply are not able to overcome biology and their lack of brain maturity before the age of 25? Or perhaps, it's just a straw man fallacy at work.

A hope:

I want to publish a book some day. Preferably fiction, but if not, then any subject I'm qualified to write about, I suppose.

Day 9

Today I was grateful for:

1. The first parent-teacher conference of the year not yielding any unexpected surprises.
2. Being fortunate enough to be a person giving help to, instead of receiving help from, Stop Hunger Now. (There was a meal packing event at work today)
3. The kid's art project listing things she was thankful for, included "her family"
4. Extreme-couponing to save about 60% on an order.
5. Going to bed with a mostly empty to-do list.

Something learned:

When I was younger, I believed that relationships took work -- nasty, dirty work, where it was perfectly normal to have to work through issues in painful, messy arguments, accompanied by angst and sacrifice. The truth of it was, that when I finally got together with my husband, there was a feeling of coming home. Where you faced things together as a unit, not as a test to see whether you were compatible. Where disagreement isn't accompanied by worries of whether it meant you could never work things out.

I remember a friend, saying many years ago, that love was choosing to be committed. It's not a mystical force between two people, nor is it a flutter of the heart, and it's not finding that perfect person that fits your discriminating standards. It's finding a person with whom you're committed to building a life together.

Years ago, everyone I knew seemed to have relationship drama. These days, perhaps we've mostly grown up, but I encounter the drama a lot less. I guess age is just what it takes.

A hope: 

I spent the evening cleaning my desk. Again. It's quite a fervent hope that I will one day conquer my clutter problem.

Day 8

Today I was grateful for:

1. The kid liking her new swim instructor
2. A leisurely family drive into the Angeles Crest and finding some snow to play with
3. The kid spending some time at the grandparents'
4. Yummy garlic dinner at the Stinking Rose, even though I'm still burping garlic :P
5. Snuggling with husband to watch "An Adventure in Space and Time"

Something learned:

This morning, as I watched a very tearful toddler being handed off to her swim instructor, and seeing her stare miserably at her mom over his shoulder the entire time, I realized that my kid has had almost no separation issues. I remember bringing her into daycare one day, crying from an injury, and some parent remarked that she had never seen my kid cry before.

Perhaps, the promise of attachment parenting is true; I heap affection on the kid, and make sure that she never has caused to doubt my unconditional love for her. Maybe the result is that she has no fear that mom won't be back for her, no matter what. That she is secure enough to be appropriately independent. Or maybe it's just a fluke of her personality.

In any case, I think the work that goes into showing my love for her (protecting, providing, teaching, listening, etc) is well worth it if she never has cause to doubt that she is loved, and worthy of love.

A dream:

I would like to see the Aurora Borealis someday.

Day 7

Today I was thankful for:

1. The husband being a good sharer and teaching the kid to play Zoo Tycoon on his new Xbox One.

2. The kid successfully signing a stack of holiday cards without even complaining

3. Watching the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special with my family which I enjoyed thoroughly

4. Putting together photos for a 2014 calendar and remembering the happy moments of the past year

5. Date night with the husband to see Thor. Love the Marvel superheros!

Something learned:

The older I get, the more I find old sayings to be true. "A place for everything and everything in it's place" for example. Putting things away is much easier when you know where they have to go. It takes five times as long if you have to stare at each thing and figure out a home for it when you pick it off the floor. I say this as I'm thinking about the dirty dishes in the kitchen of course ... sigh.

A hope:

Now that the kid is older, maybe hubby and I can work on our social life again. I don't think we've hosted a gathering here since she was born.

I recognize the set pieces now

Day 6

Today I was grateful for:

1. Cute dogs at work
2. A nice thick fleece against the cold wind today
3. Having company at lunch
4. An email from someone dear who read my last blog post
5. News about a friend with cancer making improvement

Something learned:

Looking back at my posts so far, it would seem that parenting is what really forces me to crystallize my experiences into meaningful knowledge. It's hard otherwise to teach one's internal understanding to a child. It's becoming a parent that has really taught me about life.

It has also given me confidence, the confidence to ignore the opinions of those who don't matter. My opinion of myself matters, and that of my child. I remember early on getting upset by an old lady in a restaurant who berated me for "not dressing the baby warmly enough". This week, I chased away teenagers who were flouting the 4 ft height limit in the kiddie ice rink and scraping up the ice with hockey stops.

A hope:

That someday I can make good on my promise to the kid that we'll move to somewhere large enough to have a pet dog.

Kona, a friend's puppy

Day 5

Today I was grateful for:

1. My feet not hurting after walking as much as I did yesterday

2. Hubby announcing that the kid's transparent backpack was working -- when he picked her up after school, she looked at her bag and ran back to the playground for her forgotten jacket.
3. Sweet hubby plugging in my car to charge for me this morning.
4. The rain that fell today instead of yesterday while I was outdoors.
5. My singing teacher saying "you nailed it" after singing the song I learned last week

Something learned and a hope:

Reading about the prevalence of plastic surgery in South Korea, it occurred to me that perhaps the only thing worse than having impossible ideals of beauty in toys and media, is having the people around you turn into them. As I read about a friend's young daughter struggle with being called fat (even though she isn't) it worried me about how my own daughter might deal with beauty-obsessed society.

I've tried to impress on her that being a good person is far more important than looks. I bring up examples from things she knows like Beast vs Gaston, and ask her which she would pick. I ask her if she would love me less if I looked different. But also, that her own opinion of herself is more important than others' opinion of her. I ask her for her opinion on things constantly, to reinforce that.

I can only hope I've given her the tools she needs to protect herself before society tries to tear her down.

Day 4

Today I was grateful for:
1. An employer who will reward us with Disneyland tickets.
2. A husband who willingly watches the kid so I can go alone to Disneyland
3. Learning about Single Rider Lines at Disneyland
4. Getting to meet "Thor" (why should the kids have all the fun?)
5. Being able to take the Holiday Time Tour at Disneyland, what an amazing experience!

Something learned:
When I was younger I used to hate going to the movies alone, because it made me feel lonely and unloved. Yesterday, being alone by myself for a day was perfectly enjoyable. The difference is that I've finally learned to love myself. I've decoupled my happiness from an external source, and am able to savor the intrinsic joy of experiences for what they are, not what they represent.

A hope:
That when I grow old, that I'll be as happy and having as much fun as the 3 elderly ladies I met on the tour who were having a ball together.

Our Parenting Manifesto

We will educate ourselves to be the best parents we can be. We will parent with love, respect and discipline. We will lead by example. We will live with integrity and expect the same of our daughter. We will meet her needs, and we will listen to what she has to say. We will protect her body, nurture her self-esteem, and educate her to the best of our abilities. We will give her affection, attention and our time.

We will fill her world with music, dance and joy. We will spend time with her reading, and playing. We will bring her to places where she can explore, learn, and play. We will make the effort to teach her. We will work to help her be the best person she can be. We will show her the world and teach her how to accomplish anything.

Day 3

Today I was grateful for:

1. The owner of the Volt I parked next to sending me a message that the car charger was free for me to use. How thoughtful!

2. A rare treat of Osso buco for lunch at work, and nutella soft serve ice cream for dessert

3. Managing to get a reservation for a supposedly sold-out tour tomorrow

4. Having the pleasure of teaching my daughter to knit, the same way my mom did

5. Finally having the chance to tell my daughter about the bear I knit for her while pregnant, and having it be appreciated

Something learned:

A question asked today of fellow moms was "what advice would you give yourself when pregnant" and it was hard for me to think of something that would have made a difference. Until I finally remembered trying to learn the whole sleep-feed-play cycle from a parenting book. Then reading a second parenting book, that completely contradicted the first. At which point I stopped reading any more books and went back to first principles. I wrote my own parenting manifesto and have used it as a guide ever since.

A hope:

That I survive this when it comes to my turn: http://www.scarymommy.com/multiple-personalities/

I was in labor.

Hubby saw fit to pose the

bear on me.

Day 2

Today I was grateful for:

1. Mark S. gave me a screen protector for my phone. Now it's completely protected!
2. Finding a winter camp for the kid to attend since I have to work during her winter break.
3. A fantastic evening ice skating with my kid

4. Having Google Glass to be able to record the kid skating and having my hands free to catch her.
5. Yummy dinner at Benihana with my birthday $30 off coupon (with requisite embarassing song from the servers)

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." - Thornton Wilder

Something learned:
As I had to tell the kid as she stood back up on the ice. "Everyone falls. It's up to you to decide if that is enough to make you quit, or if you're going to work hard enough to get better."

A dream for today:
To someday sing in a chorus.

Day 1

Today, I was grateful for:
1. Running into my friend Michelle L. at lunch. It was really nice talking to someone who gets some of the things you say.
2. Free birthday cupcake from Sprinkles that was really tasty.
3. A relaxing family day at Hancock Park, all for the great price of FREE!
4. Many many birthday wishes, I feel so loved... Especially on Facebook.
5. Husband and kid straightening up the house while I got to relax a little.

Something learned:
The kid was introduced to watercolor pencils today, and her first attempt was disappointing enough that she was ready to quit. I surprised myself by successfully calming her with an explanation about how mistakes are ok, especially when learning something new. I pointed out how awesome it was that she was learning to use a new art medium.

A dream:
I have always loved the ocean. Some day I want to stay at the Jules Verne Underwater Lodge in Florida. Spend the night at the bottom of the ocean, looking out at the fish... sounds like so much fun.

One fantastic year - Day One

It's my birthday today. It's not technically a milestone year, but it's a watershed number to me, and rather than lament about getting old, I plan to mark this year as One Fantastic Year.

First of all, I will resume my practice of daily gratitude. I have done this on and off for a long time, and have seen recent research on how the act of gratitude makes a person feel happier. No time like the present to realise how good I have it!

Next, I will reflect upon something that I have learned or accomplished. Might as well reap that particular benefit of getting older.

Lastly, I will look forward and post one goal, ambition, dream or hope, to reaffirm that there is much more left to enjoy in whatever years to come there are.

I think this will be my present to myself for the next year. Not only will I have a happy Birthday, but one fantastic Year! Watch this space!