Day 127

Something learned:

"Whatever you are, be a good one."

It matters less what you do, than how you do it. Success can be found in all roles, and it's up to you to choose those roles and define your success for each of those roles. When you know what you're aiming for, then it's much easier to see the path to success, though it doesn't necessarily make the path any easier. But at least you can head in the right direction.

Something I want to get better at:

Maintaining contact with my friends. Focusing on work, parenting and self-development, leaves little attention remaining for time with friends. But it's time spent together that's the glue of friendship.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Husband dropping the kid off at camp
2. The kid reading an entire book (albeit 67 pages) in an hour.
3. Our choral performance going well, despite only a week of preparation
4. Husband making dinner with the kid
5. Finding half a bar of chocolate to satisfy my cravings

Looking forward to:

Someday going back to Italy. Seeing Rome, as well as a lot of other cities.

Day 121

Something learned:

Avoiding something or pretending it doesn't exist is the coward's way out. However, since I don't like confrontation, usually the choice I am left with is internal resolution -- to come to terms or let go of something. I feel like dealing right away with the things that are bothering you is the easiest way to get on with things.

Something I'll like to get better at:

Being less busy. I keep thinking just because I have nothing scheduled at a certain point, I can do something. I am terribly bad at giving myself down time and resting my brain. I feel like I've been overachieving and been on the go for... way too long.

Today I was thankful for

1. Getting tickets to watch Adam Pascal this weekend (at 50% off!)
2. Eating an entire chocolate bar in one evening. It's that kinda day.
3. Getting a paper cut, and the kid bringing me a bandaid
4. Husband making dinner because I just couldn't face it anymore
5. Clearing my todo list

Looking forward to:

Someday I want to go to the Galapagos.

Day 120

Something learned:

Respect people. Ask people their names, especially the people who provide you with services. Learn their names. Appreciate them. See the value in people. Life will be the richer for it.

Something I'd like to get better at:

I wish I knew how to be more persuasive.

When trying to convince others of something, I tend to get ignored, or met with skepticism. Mostly, I've given up trying to share information, except passively, like through a blog.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Husband taking the kid to camp so I could go straight to work
2. Kid playing with Lego quietly on my office floor for an hour after camp
3. Chocolate chip cookies
4. Tax return done. Don't have to pay more for the first time in years. Don't know whether to be happy or sad.
5. Husband taking a volunteer shift for the kid's school fair since I'm puzzling on that day.

Looking forward to:

I want to someday visit Africa on safari.

Day 102

Something learned:

Don't compare yourself to others.

Firstly, when they are successful, you feel like a failure by comparison. And if they are a loved one, you can't truly be happy for them when the comparison only serves to make you look bad.

Second and more importantly, it distracts you from your own goals.

I used to compare myself to others. I remember bringing home a test and announcing proudly that I had gotten the second highest score in class. In hindsight, the response I got is laughably predictable, "Why not first?" But at the time, it frustrated me that instead of my own accomplishment being recognized, it was relegated to a missed expectation.

Eventually, I learned that the only measure of success that mattered was my own. By understanding myself well and knowing my own goals, I can gauge my own success by a metric that made a difference to me. The hard part is of course, setting your own goals, but that's a story for another day.

Today I was thankful for:

1. The 12 song routine I selected for Zumba 360 including a cool down soon at the end. Good design!
2. Getting my team together for Dash 6!
3. Chorus at work getting back together. I get to sing!

4. Getting a table at Nanbankan despite not having a reservation

5. Watching Catching Fire with hubby with Google Play credit

Looking forward to:

I had an idea to bring my parents on vacation somewhere awesome. I just need to figure out where and when now.

Day 91

Something learned:

In Chinese, the words for mental illness translate as "spirit disease", as in ghostly spirits. Basically, mental issues are not well understood or tolerated. Either you were perfectly normal, or you were crazy, there was no social acceptance of any degree of mental struggles. No depression. No syndromes. No disorders. There is batshit insane (and locked up in an asylum), and there is normal (and you deal with everything yourself).

I remember first realizing this mentality of mine when talking to a friend in college in the US about a certain traumatic incident in my past, and he suggested seeking therapy for it. My instinctive reaction was, "A psychiatrist? That's only for crazy people!" I never did seek therapy for that issue, but it took me many years to work through it. Many destructive, emotionally wasted years.

Much later in life, I saw a counselor for the first time for a completely unrelated issue, and for a few weeks, I had a skilled, impartial professional guiding me through a rough period, helping me unravel the mental tangle I had gotten myself into. By then, my viewpoint on psychiatric therapy had done a complete reversal. It was brought into even sharper relief during a discussion I had with someone from home. It was about a person whose self-destructive symptoms were being treated, but not her depression, and it seemed obvious to me that it should be, but my conversation partner was not so convinced, and dismissed it as "holistic treatment" which back home is synonymous with "quack medicine".

I had come from a place where I thought I was so broken, and struggled to stay whole against the world. I found my strength inside of me, and understand now that the root of my happiness and sanity lie at a strong, integrated mental and emotional core. The difference is night and day, and I feel sad that so many dismiss psychiatric treatment as only for "completely insane people", while they struggle internally with their issues, that manifest in so many obstacles and limits against a happy and fulfilling life.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting space for the kid in Lego, Scratch and game design summer camps
2. Chocolate ice cream and Oreo chunks at work
3. All my work for this quarter's launch is out for review and it's still February
4. Finding out my lost credit card is safely at the restaurant

5. Hubby being willing set up the new Nest thermostat as well as retrieve my wayward credit card

Looking forward to:

Just booked a one night farmstay. W00t!

Day 86

Something learned:

There's a difference between a reason and an excuse. A reason explains something, but an excuse is an attempt to avoid accepting blame.

Don't do excuses, accept blame, then work to fix the problems. That is the respectable way to recover from mistakes.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Coming up with an alternative to swimming with turtles alone
2. My singing coach starting to offer Skype lessons
3. Hubby being very understanding about me accidentally leaving the freezer door open
4. Hubby successfully making me feel better about my carelessness by asking if I would be mad if he did it.
5. Hubby being supportive of me going shellfish foraging

Looking forward to:

Someday swimming with my family with whale sharks.

Day 83

Something learned:

Someone recently told me that I was modest, when I tried to reframe the description of one of my achievements.

Upon reflection, I'm wasn't being modest, but rather defensive. Since young, I've had strong ability in a few narrow areas, and was fortunate enough to have some opportunities to excel. Over the years, I learned that any mention of achievements is more likely to create jealousy than goodwill. Such is life.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Waking up without having gotten kicked in the night
2. Spending money to support someone being victimized by King/Candy Crush
3. Umami burger lunch
4. Getting my travel plans for South Carolina straightened out
5. Afternoon with family

Looking forward to:

My upcoming conference in South Carolina. Have never been to that state!

Day 70

Something learned:

"This too shall pass". This is a mantra I recited to myself a lot in the early days of parenthood. It's especially true when things are extraordinarily difficult. Things always change. The stuff I find tough will end, and other challenges will take their place. But remembering that "This too shall pass" makes it a little easier to get through the day, and not despair. And so far, it has always been true.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Kid's school holding a Q&A session where we could give feedback to the Head of School.
2. Finding 2 weeks of daycamp to cover kid's spring vacation

3. Getting a check in the mail for my broken phone

4. Getting the kid's first report card and it is very encouraging

5. Me time

Looking forward to:

Someday visiting Racetrack Playa to see the mysterious moving rocks.

Day 53

Something learned:

Pressed pennies are a great collection to do. At fifty-one cents each, they're usually the cheapest souvenir in the store :) Also, adding stuff to wish-lists are a great way to placate a kid who wants something that they've seen.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Kid leaving me alone for 90 minutes to do sudoku
2. Yummy Unagi-don for lunch
3. Bringing my kid to watch her first IMAX movie.
4. Being able to find all the paperwork I think I need for the audit.
5. Watching Vikings with hubby

Looking forward to:

I think I'll hold a party this spring. First in years!

Day 43

Something learned:

My daughter had a meltdown but she was able to speak somewhat coherently as she sat tearful and sniffing while recovering. We talked about the big feelings that she was having, and she expressed frustration at not being able to control them. I empathized and reminded her that we all have the same feelings from time to time, and that in time she would learn to not let them completely take over. I think it made it a lot easier for both of us to deal with it, knowing that her feelings were valid and that she can and will get better at staying in control. Also, I must remember that getting her some water to drink will help her calm down.

I had huge meltdowns as a kid myself, but I don't think they were the same kind that she's having, so I haven't yet figured out how to avert them.

Today I was thankful for:

1. The phone calls I had to make to billing departments seeming to accomplish what I had hoped.
2. Successfully giving away the whole Rock Band set. Either it's really hard to give away stuff, or I'm not making it clear that it's for free and not sale.
3. That amazing feeling looking around the decluttered living area. It's so empty I feel like we're moving out.
4. Socal weather.
5. Reading this article online that made me very thankful that hubby turned out to be a great dad. http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/doyin-richards-cops-abuse-from-fellow-fathers-for-posting-photo-while-tending-to-his-daughters/story-fnet085v-1226797131017

A hope:

Ride an Alpine Coaster some day. It looks scary but fun.

Day 42

I took a week+ off to recharge and to tackle spring cleaning at home. Will post before and after pictures -- am rather proud of myself :)

Something learned:

I'm struggling with teaching my perfectionist daughter this -- not to let fear of failure prevent you from tackling something. I've spent a lot of time myself staring at projects, paralyzed and unable to begin because I can't see the complete correct path. But I've learned the truth of "perfection is the enemy of progress" 

Strangely enough, when untangling giant knots, or solving a Rubik's cube, I'm quite content to pick away at it for ever until it's done, but perhaps because I know I'm always moving over the landscape towards the global maximum. There's no fear of failure in those endeavors.

I think I procrastinate on starting many other projects though, until I have mentally rehearsed the progression enough to be fairly certain of success. I've lined up a quilt, rag doll, scrapbooks, video compilations, just to name a few of these un-started projects (despite materials being already accumulated).

Time to start making progress!

Today I was thankful for:

1. Being in that tiny sliver of the country that is not experiencing freezing temperatures.
2. Lots of people accepting my purged-but-still-loved items so that I didn't have to bring them to Goodwill.
3. Google lunches. I never thought I'd miss salad.
4. Managing to get to inbox zero for both work and personal mailboxes.
5. Husband making dinner so I could finish working on a puzzle competition

A hope:

Would like to visit another new state or two in 2014. I'm making progress to getting to all 50!

Day 37

Something learned:

Thanks to my parent's close relationships with their siblings, I've found my cousins to be extremely warm despite seeing them about once every three years.

I've learned to treasure family, even as distant as second cousins. (Haven't met third cousins yet) Now if only we weren't scattered over three continents...

Today I was thankful for:

1. No travel snags
2. Yummy dinner at Fulton's
3. Magicbands being awesome
3. Riding a boat back to the hotel
5. Fun times in the hotel pool, jacuzzi and slide

A hope:

That someday I learn to relax when traveling instead of setting goals for myself.

Day 36

Something learned:

Don't travel with check in luggage. Give yourself way even more time than you think you need. I learned these lessons before today. You'd think I'd have remembered.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Having my family all together even as travel disaster happens, and being sick at home instead of in some random city
2. My family not blaming me even though I feel responsible for not making us leave earlier
3. The Parking Spot not charging for parking since we missed our flight
4. Successfully canceling or rescheduling plans because of our delay
5. Yummy brunch at The Castaway

A hope:

Less anxiety in my life would be nice.

Day 34

Something learned:

An ex of mine had never had a passport. In his words, everything he could want was right here in America. I was frankly kind of horrified that he couldn't conceive of any benefit to travel. Visiting, let alone living in, a different country makes you appreciate just how different another person's viewpoint can be, in ways you can't even imagine. It shakes your assumptions and opens you to possibility. Being able to travel, and challenge oneself, is a blessing.

Today I was thankful for:

1. The kid getting some energy out on playground equipment
2. My kid's palette - she loves Ethiopean food!
3. A nap -- mine
4. Saving 65% off at Old Navy. I swear my kid's knees must have teeth. Holes keep appearing in her leggings.
5. Family snuggle time while watching The Croods.

A hope:

That my daughter will always love me as much as she does now.

Day 22

Something learned:

It wasn't until my  third year of competing that I finally won the US Sudoku Championship. It was a tumultuous final round -- of the other 2 guys, one was eventually disqualified for cheating, and the other, Tom had beaten me the previous 2 years, and finished many minutes before me. However, he had made a mistake in his final solution and ended up being penalized, and I was declared the winner. The victory felt hollow, since I knew Tom to be the faster solver.

Eventually, I learned that winning a competition wasn't just about pure skill. I realized that many other aspects can factor into a victory such as preparation, persistence and attention to detail; occasionally even luck. Conversely, an opponent seeming more skilled, is not reason enough to give up. You just never know!

Today I was grateful for:

1. My kid being on her way to becoming a better swimmer than I ever was.
2. My singing recital going well (I stayed on key, mostly)
3. The kid's violin recital going well (she didn't get derailed)
4. Husband going out for groceries and takeout dinner so I could remain in my jammies.
5. Kid making sure she got and gave a hug and kiss to each of us before bed.

A hope:

I would like to take a cruise to Alaska, and maybe see the Northern Lights.

Day 14

Today I was grateful for:

1. Craft shopping with the kid at Michaels
2. Getting some purging done
3. Finding my lost keys
4. Playing board games with the family
5. Nature's Miracle. Nuff said.

Something learned:

Parents have an immense influence on us, as they should. I can identify specific quirks, insecurities and mindsets of mine that are a direct result of my relationship with my parents.

Becoming a parent myself, I feel the weight of the responsibility of guiding my child and being her role model. I have to be the steadfast, perfect anchor for her.

But the hard thing to remember is that parents are human too, and infallible. And as I learned to forgive them for the mistakes, I'll have to come to terms with my own mistakes.

A dream:

To travel as much as possible as a family before the kid doesn't want to anymore... Road trip across the US, history in Europe, nature in the Galapagos, whatever.