My challenges of parenting

Parenting is hard, but everyone has different challenges. Over the past couple of years, I've learned about what makes my kid unique, and how best to support those differences. Right now, my biggest challenges with those differences are:

• Overcoming perfectionism - she fears failure so much that she sometimes can't get started at all. She has a hard time attempting something she isn't 100% confident of doing successfully. She is her own worst enemy.
• Teaching grit - when things come easily to her, it's hard to show her the value of practice and perseverance, which will make or break her future endeavors.
• Sensitivities - her sensitivities are extreme, much more so than most kids, because she is capable of such depth of feeling and seeing such a big picture, being mentally mature before her emotional maturity has caught up. I'm constantly on the watch for meltdowns.
• Humility - People hate a braggart, and while they adore sports superstars, they abhor intellectual prowess, she doesn't understand yet why she has to be sensitive to this. I've been sensitized to this myself over my lifetime and it makes me a little sad to have to protect her from this as well. 
• Allowing her to fulfill her potential - it is my responsibility to seek opportunities, to engage, to guide, to advocate. I have no role model for this, and sometimes feel like I'm barely treading water on this.

Day 148

Something learned:

By trying to be the person I want to be, I make it easier to explain to my child the person I want her to be.

I don't know how to justify "Do as I say not as I do". I can justify things that are not appropriate for her though, since she agrees that there are things she doesn't need to know about yet (e.g. war movies). And it's easy to provide examples for various explanations if I'm already doing them and she has seen it (e.g. practicing a new skill)

Something I'd like to get better at:

Developing creativity. I've been so focused on problem solving and skill development for years now, it's hard to remember I ever knew how to create.

Today I was thankful for

1. Hubby taking kid to swim class so I could prep for our trip
2. Trying the little Peruvian restaurant in the neighborhood for the first time and it was good
3. Pool fun with family
4. Yummy shrimp and grits at Downtown Disney
5. Discovering the delightful surprise firework wall in our hotel room

Looking forward to:

Mother's Day in Disneyland!

Day 116

Something learned:

Teach by example.

When I pick up my kid in the afternoon, I ask her how her day went. Recently, she started asking me the same question too. While I find it adorable and nice to be asked, it also reminds me that everything I do has the potential to be emulated by my child and the easiest way to teach her the right way to live is to live it myself.

"Do as I say, not as I do" will not fly in this household.

Something I'd like to get better at:

Thinking on the fly. I'm a super slow thinker. I don't like thinking on the spot. I can't negotiate. I can't speak off the cuff. I can't go off script. I can't debate. I hate interviewing. Giving feedback is really hard.

I muse. I mull. I think over things in private for days. It's seriously quite the handicap.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting tickets for Gallifrey One in 2015 in the 75 minutes before they sold out.
2. Fun chorus practice -- one of our members is arranging a really geeky song for SATB. So awesome.
3. Kid not forgetting her violin for spring break
4. Kid doing well at the test for her purple belt.
5. Picking up nutella cookies at the local italian restaurant and the guy gives us a discount :)

Looking forward to:

Real Escape game tomorrow!

Day 109

I think it's time to add something into the mix. In addition to what I've learned, I think it's time for me to reflect upon what I'd like to get better at.

Something learned:

Unfortunately, I had the need to apologize to someone over email in the last day. I felt terrible about my mistake, but even worse, I fear that I botched up my apology and lost my chance to put things right.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt ill equipped to adequately express all my important thoughts coherently, especially since I was upset about my mistake and not thinking well. Since communication isn't my strong suit, I sat down and wrote an outline to use for future apologies (being human and all that).

Do you think that's too unemotional of me?

Something I'd like to get better at:

Parenting. The first few years were fairly straightforward. Keep the baby fed and clean and safe. Now the real hard stuff is happening and I feel like I'm having to figure it out as I go along and mistakes and failure are frustrating and demoralizing. I feel like I have zero role models as I'm not regularly around people who have kids older than mine. I myself was mostly unparented -- just babysat by a housekeeper. Where can I go to get an internship?

Today I was thankful for:

1. Being able to attend a talk by Daniel Suarez and get a free copy of his new book.

2. Napping on the kid's floor and she covered me with a blanket

3. Tasty unagi-don for dinner

4. Getting perfect scores on my 2 Coursera quizzes (granted they were about logic and probability .. but still)

5. Seeing a photograph I took get featured on the Ren Fair Facebook page.

Looking forward to:

Date night tomorrow at my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles!

Day 106

Something learned:

Always get a second opinion.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend a talk by an author at work. The author was Daniel J. Siegel, who had written Brainstorm, which was a book about adolescent brain development. Early in the talk, he makes the claim that teenagers need to replace parental attachments with peer attachments for ideal outcomes. This happens to directly contradict the conclusion I reached after reading Hold On To Your Kids by Gabor Mate. The latter book states that a child needs to maintain a stronger attachment to their parent than their peers until they reach adulthood.

At the end of the talk, when he started taking questions, I eventually stood up and mentioned this contradiction to him. I was beyond thrilled when he revealed that he had recently had a long conversation with Gabor himself, and that they disagreed on certain points and agreed on others.

When I first became a parent, I read a number of well-reviewed parenting books. I went along building up a model of ideal parenting until I came across 2 techniques that directly contradicted each other at which point I realized that there was no single ideal model and that I needed to figure it out for myself.

Having the opportunity now to directly challenge the source of this information was very exciting, especially since while I thought that Hold On To Your Kids was a really convincing book, Daniel Siegel seemed to present a very compelling argument otherwise. Eventually, he asked me to read his book and email him what I thought of the matter after that.

I think we're conditioned to trust experts, so it's even more vital for us to understand that sometimes experts disagree. I consider it a great responsibility to educate myself and to reasonably challenge what I'm told, whether it's from my kid's pediatrician or doctor, or an accountant or financial advisor. (Sadly, it's really hard to get good help these days -- but I'm too busy to become qualified as everything I need help for...)

Today I was thankful for:

1. Getting to order free stuff from work
2. Getting a bunch of awesome free stationery at work at the grab bag shelf
3. Finding a plain shirt that fits the kid at Goodwill for $1.50
4. Finding that I still had T-shirt transfer paper leftover from 2011 in my stash
5. Putting together an awesome shirt for kid to wear to Math Day tomorrow

Looking forward to:

Someday I want to go to Germany and see Miniatur Wunderland.

Day 85

Something learned:

When I was pregnant and researching breastfeeding, an unmarried male coworker asked in sincere surprise, "Isn't formula just as good?" Well, I was raised on formula, as were all my siblings. My mother was from a generation that considered formula as the modern, superior choice, and prior to getting pregnant, I simply assumed too that I would use formula.

When I became pregnant, I started researching all manner of things that I never even knew about, and made my choices based on available research, with a little mother's instinct thrown in. Many of those choices are completely different from what my parents did, or what is shown on TV or in movies as the norm. I have no regrets, and in some cases, fortunate to even learn about, the choices I did.

It's okay to be a self-made parent.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Made it for bacon and a pinch of hash browns at breakfast
2. Lotsa packages at work.
3. Finding some significant bugs when I was assigned to bugbash.
4. Another free batch of stuff from Google
5. Hubby watching the kid while I attend a film festival showing

Looking forward to:

Snuggling with family.

Day 84

Something learned:

A few years ago, I took a seminar that explained that a child's primary emotional goal is to achieve belonging and significance.

I give my child belonging by loving her unconditionally. She knows that I can sometimes be mad at her, but I'll never stop loving her. It's her emotional bedrock.

I give her significance by listening to what she has to say. I hold fast to my job of keeping her safe and keeping her behavior appropriate (i.e. parenting), but what she has to say is important enough for me to listen and respond to.

She's pretty confident and secure, guess it's worked for her so far.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Sleeping in
2. Relaxed day with family
3. Making progress on purging stuff
4. Clearing my whole weekend todo list
5. Hubby getting me ice cream

Looking forward to:

Watching one of my best friends from high school in a movie tomorrow.

Day 78

Something learned:

I wasn't taught or encouraged to be independent, growing up. "Grownups talking, children don't interrupt" was what I was told. Along the way, I lost my voice, figuratively. It got so bad that my parents brought me to the pediatrician to find out why I hardly spoke. As best as I could figure, I told her that I didn't speak for fear of being wrong. She seemed relieved at that and responded that it's ok to be wrong. And nothing else was ever done about it.

Today, as a parent, one of the goals I support my child in, is to provide her belonging and significance. Significance is developed through positive attention and power, by listening.

I ask her questions, and I listen to her words.

I get frustrated when she refuses to pose for photos sometimes. I remember that I want her to have her voice, and to know that she always has the power to say no. When someone who is not me tries to make her do something she does not want to, she will know to say no. So I let her say no to me. Because when I was six or seven, I did not know to say no, and no one else was able to protect me. I couldn't say no for a long time. And when I did, it may well the best thing I ever did for myself.

But I will still make the child keep to her bedtime.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Having my interview for next week cancelled.
2. Kid getting her Valentines all done for her classmates
3. Hubby coming home in time for me to go to chorus practice.
4. Being able to satisfy my Chu Qian Yi Ding cravings
5. Watched Ender's Game with hubby

Looking forward to:

Visiting South Carolina later this year.

Day 77

Something learned:

When I was a kid I thought that there was so much my parents didn't know or couldn't understand. Many years later, it's my turn.

She thinks she knows better than me about certain things, when she has no real understanding of how much knowledge she's lacking. Or she feels that I simply cannot understand her situation, when I've gone through the same social drama decades ago. I guess some things will never change :)

Today I was thankful for:

1. Got an annual check up done.
2. Dropped my poor car off for repair
3. Somehow the car rental came down from $55/day to $25/day. And they gave me a Nissan LEAF too.
4. Massage at work
5. Free grab bag of stationery from work

Looking forward to:

Spending time with the husband after he's done with his game

Day 75

Something learned:

"Do as I say, not as I do" is a horrible way to parent. My child is a thinker, she questions and challenges until she gets explanations that fit cohesively into the world view she has developed.

So I've learned to live my life in the way I want her to live. I can use myself as an example. I take lessons in things that interest and challenge me. I practice, I take risks, I make mistakes, I try harder, I show my fear but don't let it stop me. She sees all this and understands that I expect the same of her.

Some days, she ends up being my teacher. After my recent car accident, I told her that I felt a bit sad about the whole thing, and she shrugged it off saying "Mom, everyone makes mistakes. That's why we pay for insurance." She's FIVE!

I was interviewed by a lady recently about financial independence and she expressed surprise that I taught my child that we don't buy her every toy she wants because money needs to go to important things like housing and food etc. She says that many others just say No and leave it at that. My kid would never have left it at that.

Perhaps other parents dread the infinite chain of "why?"s. For me, the chain only went as far until we reached a premise that my daughter already agreed with. She wasn't asking why just to mindlessly extend a conversation, she was asking until it it made sense. And she forced me to make sure it all made sense to me too. I sort of miss them now.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Husband taking the kid to swimming so I could lie in bed
2. Seeing some folks I haven't seen in a while at the kiddo's friend's birthday
3. Watching LEGO movie with the family!
4. Yummy sushi for dinner
5. Got to finish watching the Dresden Files for free on Amazon. Such a fun show.

Looking forward to:

So many fun movies coming out...my to-watch-list is easily a dozen movies long.

Day 74

Something learned:

My mother told me that she thought I was a better mother than she was. I wonder if she thinks that because she feels my daughter is turning out better than I did. Maybe I'm bragging too much.

Or maybe because I'm putting so much effort into parenting. Which quite frankly, is more a result of not knowing what the heck I'm doing, and not having any role models at hand, so I'm doing my best to cover my bases.

Whatever the case, if I have learned anything, is that when it comes down to it, we're all just doing what we can. Every kid is different, every family, every situation is different. There's so many different ways of doing things. Just keep the kid safe, raise them well.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Locating a new pair of uniform pants for the kid since her pinafore has truly disappeared
2. Hubby finding a solution to the problem of me having left the kid's school-appropriate shoes at TKD class yesterday
3. Kiddo's Ren Fair bloomers that I bought from Etsy arrived and look awesome
4. The Real Escape game is coming back to LA. Can't wait to play again.
5. Kiddo entertaining herself giving me some down time this evening.

Something to look forward to:

I'm making a plan to write a book. Maybe a small book in the next year. Or maybe a real tome.. in the next 3 years? Getting published, well, that's a dream for another day.

Day 70

Something learned:

"This too shall pass". This is a mantra I recited to myself a lot in the early days of parenthood. It's especially true when things are extraordinarily difficult. Things always change. The stuff I find tough will end, and other challenges will take their place. But remembering that "This too shall pass" makes it a little easier to get through the day, and not despair. And so far, it has always been true.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Kid's school holding a Q&A session where we could give feedback to the Head of School.
2. Finding 2 weeks of daycamp to cover kid's spring vacation

3. Getting a check in the mail for my broken phone

4. Getting the kid's first report card and it is very encouraging

5. Me time

Looking forward to:

Someday visiting Racetrack Playa to see the mysterious moving rocks.

Day 52

Something learned:

My kid sometimes thinks she knows better than me. I don't always correct her because the issues are sometimes complex and would take too darned long to explain. But it makes me question a little those times I thought I knew better than my parents.

Last night the kid and I were singing to a karaoke track, and I made some mistakes. She mused out loud, "I wonder how I'm a better singer than you, Mommy?" I could tell that she truly believed it, and considered letting it pass... but I started imagining how much worse she would be in 10 years. So I pointed out that there were a lot of different aspects to singing skill, and remembering the song was just one aspect, which she was good at. Perhaps she'll be a little less judgmental and a little more humble. But I mostly live in fear of the other young people that are going to be around her, if they would teach her bad behavior, or just plain damage her. Sigh.

Today I was thankful for:

1. That the kid cut the hair off her toy horse and not her head
2. Getting 5 uniform pieces for under $30 instead of the $200 it would have cost
3. Got to watch Alexa von Tobel speak in person at work and get a copy of her book
4. Fixing the box we painted for the kid while I was pregnant with Uhu glue. It blows Krazy glue out of the water -- it doesn't dry up in the tube, dries quicker after applied, and is just as strong!
5. More purging! Got rid of another 4 inches of paper.

Looking forward to:

After hubby finishes his game in the spring, we'll be heading to Disneyland!

Day 51

Something learned:

I'm glad that I'm pushing myself by taking singing classes, and running races. When I talk to my kid about practicing, or courage, or failure, I can give her examples from my own experience, and it's much more authentic to her. I make myself vulnerable, and then demonstrate for her how to develop strength. I admit my mistakes and show her how to apologize. I'm learning to teach by example, and I don't think I could do it any other way.

Today I was thankful for:

1. The yummiest lamb chops ever for lunch at work
2. Kid being cooperative and practicing her stuff, then working on crafts.
3. Juggling 4 pots/pans and having dinner all come together without burning
4. Electronic statements being available means I can purge a 4 inch stack of paper.
5. Finally getting through my YouTube Watch-Later list.

Looking forward to:

4 day weekend with the kid! (Husband has a regular 2 day weekend :P)

Day 43

Something learned:

My daughter had a meltdown but she was able to speak somewhat coherently as she sat tearful and sniffing while recovering. We talked about the big feelings that she was having, and she expressed frustration at not being able to control them. I empathized and reminded her that we all have the same feelings from time to time, and that in time she would learn to not let them completely take over. I think it made it a lot easier for both of us to deal with it, knowing that her feelings were valid and that she can and will get better at staying in control. Also, I must remember that getting her some water to drink will help her calm down.

I had huge meltdowns as a kid myself, but I don't think they were the same kind that she's having, so I haven't yet figured out how to avert them.

Today I was thankful for:

1. The phone calls I had to make to billing departments seeming to accomplish what I had hoped.
2. Successfully giving away the whole Rock Band set. Either it's really hard to give away stuff, or I'm not making it clear that it's for free and not sale.
3. That amazing feeling looking around the decluttered living area. It's so empty I feel like we're moving out.
4. Socal weather.
5. Reading this article online that made me very thankful that hubby turned out to be a great dad. http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/doyin-richards-cops-abuse-from-fellow-fathers-for-posting-photo-while-tending-to-his-daughters/story-fnet085v-1226797131017

A hope:

Ride an Alpine Coaster some day. It looks scary but fun.

Day 38

Something learned:

Despite her young age, the kid is articulate and holds strong opinions. I forget that, even though she claims to know what she does or does not like, I sometimes know better. This also occasionally applies to what hubby thinks is OK for the kid.

I must assert Mom Authority more in the future.

Today I was thankful for:

1. Finding a special edition holiday pin with our resort name on it for my collection
2. Riding all the Seuss rides with no lines
3. Butterbeer at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter
4. Fun day at Islands of Adventure
5. Christmas Eve with my family

A hope:

It was a cold day. I'm really looking forward to summer, when we can actually go swimming.

Happy holidays to everyone!

Day 29

Something learned:

I've come to believe that one of the responsibilities of parenting is to instill in my child a value system that will serve her will through life even when I'm no longer there to be her guide. I want her to develop the strength and motivation to make good choices on her own.

Once during violin group class, one boy was being uncooperative, and ignored his mother's warnings to stop messing with things in the room. When the teacher gently said his name, his mother seized on it and said "Ah, you'd better listen to Ms. S----" which didn't sit terribly well with me.

I won't discount that every child is different, and mine might just be easier to negotiate with. When necessary, I ask her to figure out the effects her behavior will have. She generally understands, albeit still forgetting quickly. But internal motivation, rather than external manipulation with punishment or rewards, will eventually serve her better.

Today I was thankful for:

1. My family enjoying the Christmas Panto
2. Yummy Vietnamese lunch at Abricott
3. Fun time at Steph's housewarming
4. Yummy dinner at Mongolian BBQ
5. Watching the Homeland finale with hubby

A hope:

To someday run a half marathon -- though I can't really fathom not going crazy while running for ~3 hours.

Day 14

Today I was grateful for:

1. Craft shopping with the kid at Michaels
2. Getting some purging done
3. Finding my lost keys
4. Playing board games with the family
5. Nature's Miracle. Nuff said.

Something learned:

Parents have an immense influence on us, as they should. I can identify specific quirks, insecurities and mindsets of mine that are a direct result of my relationship with my parents.

Becoming a parent myself, I feel the weight of the responsibility of guiding my child and being her role model. I have to be the steadfast, perfect anchor for her.

But the hard thing to remember is that parents are human too, and infallible. And as I learned to forgive them for the mistakes, I'll have to come to terms with my own mistakes.

A dream:

To travel as much as possible as a family before the kid doesn't want to anymore... Road trip across the US, history in Europe, nature in the Galapagos, whatever.

Day 8

Today I was grateful for:

1. The kid liking her new swim instructor
2. A leisurely family drive into the Angeles Crest and finding some snow to play with
3. The kid spending some time at the grandparents'
4. Yummy garlic dinner at the Stinking Rose, even though I'm still burping garlic :P
5. Snuggling with husband to watch "An Adventure in Space and Time"

Something learned:

This morning, as I watched a very tearful toddler being handed off to her swim instructor, and seeing her stare miserably at her mom over his shoulder the entire time, I realized that my kid has had almost no separation issues. I remember bringing her into daycare one day, crying from an injury, and some parent remarked that she had never seen my kid cry before.

Perhaps, the promise of attachment parenting is true; I heap affection on the kid, and make sure that she never has caused to doubt my unconditional love for her. Maybe the result is that she has no fear that mom won't be back for her, no matter what. That she is secure enough to be appropriately independent. Or maybe it's just a fluke of her personality.

In any case, I think the work that goes into showing my love for her (protecting, providing, teaching, listening, etc) is well worth it if she never has cause to doubt that she is loved, and worthy of love.

A dream:

I would like to see the Aurora Borealis someday.

Day 6

Today I was grateful for:

1. Cute dogs at work
2. A nice thick fleece against the cold wind today
3. Having company at lunch
4. An email from someone dear who read my last blog post
5. News about a friend with cancer making improvement

Something learned:

Looking back at my posts so far, it would seem that parenting is what really forces me to crystallize my experiences into meaningful knowledge. It's hard otherwise to teach one's internal understanding to a child. It's becoming a parent that has really taught me about life.

It has also given me confidence, the confidence to ignore the opinions of those who don't matter. My opinion of myself matters, and that of my child. I remember early on getting upset by an old lady in a restaurant who berated me for "not dressing the baby warmly enough". This week, I chased away teenagers who were flouting the 4 ft height limit in the kiddie ice rink and scraping up the ice with hockey stops.

A hope:

That someday I can make good on my promise to the kid that we'll move to somewhere large enough to have a pet dog.

Kona, a friend's puppy